Scaling 1 to 10

I was asked only a few short days ago, how I would rate a certain film on a scale of 1 to 10.

To which I paused, and then replied depende (it depends).

And so I have spent some time since then, contemplating how exactly I rate films. Or rather, how a film should be rated. If there isn't an art, then I think there should be.

First a base must be established. A plumbline with which all films can be measured against. Now to pick out a single film, or two, or twenty would be impossible. No one would ever agree. And so instead of a film being the embodiment of all that is strived for in the world of film viewing, we shall instead replace this glorious film with an idea. This idea shall be called ten. We shall name this perfect film a ten.

There are always two ends to a spectrum. The first having been established we now need to take a look at the antithesis. The horrible film. Not just a poor film, or a bad film, but rather one that is abhorent to the mind and soul. Even body. A film of this sorts is either walked out of, spat upon, or hissed at. At the same time, a film could be silently sat through in entirety, but upon viewing the ending, a viewer may find themself so outraged at having been seduced, tricked, or even forced to sit the thing out, that the film should promptly recieve this name. A zero.

Some debate may erupt at this point pertaining to the fact that this scale is a 1 to 10, and therefore a zero is null and void. However that is exactly the point and therefore why the zero will remain a liable option on the 1 to 10 film rating scale.

And the plumbline came to be. The ten was wrote into being and the zero quickly followed.

In between these great numbers lie 9 others. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. These will be more commonly used than the previously mentioned far east and equally distant west. A few things to be remembered: Nothing ruins a scale faster than the abuse of the extreme numbers. That is to say, spare the dramatic numbers for the dramatically good or bad films. Overpopulation at the ends of the spectrum will do nothing but invalidate your film ranking creditentials. As well, be aware of your emotional, physical, and spiritual state while you rank a film. If your heart is currently broken, don't allow Shakespeare quotes in teen movies to drag a 9 out of you because you thought it captured the spirit of human suffering. Realize that you are emotionally unstable and need some time off from any serious opinion giving. If you have recently lost a pet, there is no need to penalize Where the Red Fern Grows. If you hate bowling, it does not mean you have to hate on The Big Lebowski.

There you have it. All it takes is a bit of sense, and a light touch on the ends, and you'll be on your way to film ranking respectability.