2008

best film i saw in 2008.
el laberinto del fauno (in english i think its called the fawn's labyrinth) an amazing film mixing realism and sub-realism to portray what was happening after the civil war. a must before seeing it is having a quick read-up on the history.

best book i read in 2008.
difficult.
the Shaping of Things to Come. have identified with it and has probably shaped my thinking as much as cs Lewis' The great Divorce.
the kite Runner and Moon Palace were win the prize for novels.

best author discovered.
Paul Auster, easy. not everyone will like him but I love his ability to create characters that resonate. have yet to read him in English though and he's from NY. hmm.

best new food.
peruvian food. have tried countless foods made straight from the peruvian hands of the mother of a couple of my good friends here. mark it up, every Wednesday night, 10.15, a new way to prepare chicken and rice that makes it simply unbelievable.

best new drink.
have to go with tea. this year i have discovered teterías which are these Moroccan type tea houses. i guess straight green tea would have to win.

most impacting experience.
having my eyes zapped with a laser certainly was impacting. and considering it should affect me for the rest of my life it is the winner.

best new gadget.
my apple. most definately mac for life now.

funnest experience shared with around 45 million other people.
spain winning the european cup this past summer. it was crazy fun. in America we don't have anything that compares to it. michael phelps falls short.

best new music discovered.
stuff out of IHOP or similar sounds. like Merchant Band. Brian and Jenn Johnson. love this sound that isn't so mainstream.

most devastating experience.
realizing that my hair isn't as thick as it once was on the top of my head. and it really threw me for a loop. but no worries, i've got special shampoo for it now.

biggest accomplishment.
well i will know in february but it would be passing the DELE exam that I did in November. i suppose if i don't pass i could just class it as my biggest failure. haha

biggest change.
well a huge change has been my vision, but i already mentioned that one.
the decision to finish my degree. it meant a change in my thinking and will provoke one of the biggest changes in the last 4 years of my life.

dream birthed in 2008.
get a degree in writing and spanish. never really had the same desire before.

dream that died in 2008.
oof. going to morocco (okay to be honest it was birthed in november and died in december- not the end of the world, maybe 2009?) didn't know what else to put here.

biggest realization.
that i am getting older each day and that its possible to watch life float by and never do anything about it and one day get caught looking back and realize that time has gone.



that's all for now. maybe later I'll write some more 2008 stuff.

merry christmas and 300th post and a few other things.

its the 25th of december and christmas is here. so happy christmas. it deserves a mention.

its the end of 2008 and this is the 300th post. i suppose that deserves a mention too.

i just had my visa renewal request denied. i should mention that. what happens next i don't know. i can now better identify with illigal immigrants. (or will be able to shortly.)

my eyes are dry from the laser surgery. im going through single use artificial tears like a baby goes through milk. if i put more than a couple of drops in each eye they spill out and it looks like im crying like a baby as well.

the redness is my right eye seen in the photo below has gone down a little bit. but not much.

im not going to morocco. see line on visa above. bit disappointed but the thought of spending a little while in a Moroccan holding cell while not being allowed back into Spain was tempting but not tempting enough. another day.

who knows, maybe ill get to spend some time in a spanish holding cell before they ship me back. a few points to point out here. point number 1: it would be a new experience and make for a great story. point number 2: i hear they pay for your flight back if they export you. point number 3: i think they stick it on your record and consider it when deciding whether to let you back in later.

i think i'll try to avoid the whole holding cell/record thingee.

on another note- anyone ever read Paul Auster? definately the author discovery of 2008. maybe i will make a 2008 list...!

post op.

my eye.



my eyes.



my eye.



eye patches at night.



sunglasses to protect my sensitive eyes from the blinding sun! first pair I have really ever owned that weren't plastic.

laser surgery

Two days ago I was subjected to the laser. What follows is what went down.

It all started back in October with thoughts running through my head. Though really the thoughts had been running through my head for a number of years. Pretty much as soon as I heard about this phenom of a laser that could make glasses and contacts go away the running began. Since I was eight years old I pretty much have had awful vision and fat glasses. Maybe it was the carrots that I stuck in my glass of milk to avoid eating (though at some point I learned to like those orange sticks and have been making up for it ever since). Considering my dad's vision I'll just have to assume that it was hereditary and not a shortage of carrots.

Contacts are okay and glasses aren't the end of the world but the thought of not having dry eyes every night and waking up and having to reach for a pair of specs was just too tempting. So it was down to the clinic with me. It had been a couple of years since my eyes had changed and at 26 years old, the time seemed right.

Early November I marched down the to clinic recommended by my eye doctor friend whose wife had her eyes done there a few years previously. The march took about 8 minutes and I was walking through the door and 10 minutes later had a brochure and an appointment for a week later to have my cornea measured. And so it was the following week, an 8 minute march and I was ushered into the doctors office where she checked me out, deemed me worthy, explained the process, told me the price and finally we settled on December 10th for the intervention.

A month went by with no contacts. It was weird taking them out knowing that it could be the last time I ever wore them. They had been good to me but I wouldn't miss them.

It dragged on a bit but the month finally came and went and December 10th arrived. I was psyched. Completely and utterly mentally prepared for the big step in my life until 1.45 rolled around and I got a phone call saying that the surgery would have to be postponed for the following week due to complications in the computer. I was annoyed since I had been looking forward to it for so long, and would have to wait another week, but later got to thinking that at least the complications hadn't arisen with my left eye only half done.

Another week went by and the 17th rolled around. Slow as it might seem, everyday eventually arrives. It was a good exercise in patience. One that a few hours later I would wished had been drawn out even longer.

6 pm Wednesday the 17th of December 2008.
I enter the clinic with my (new) sunglasses, a huge wad of cash (in Spain people pay things in absurd amounts of cash, this was nothing), a few papers, one nerve or two and the thought that this was my last moment with glasses. And peace descended until I saw a guy walking out of the clinic with his sunglasses on, tearing running down his face, and clearly in serious pain trying not to touch his eyes.

6.15 I have got a hair net on, one of those hospital gowns, and covers on my shoes. Everything is a blur since I don't have my glasses on. I have just been given a Valium pill to make sure I'm relaxed and I find in a small room with about 8 other people listening to a mixture of Spanish and Portuguese (a lot of people come over from Portugal to be operated on in this clinic). In all there are 6 of us who are going under the laser. Blurry doctors are putting anesthetic drops in our eyes along with some yellow substance that me see everything in yellow. Reminds me of iodine. For some reason it stings my left eye like crazy while the right one is fine. Tears pour out of the left eye and my nose starts to run. There would be more to come. The guy immediately to my left seems to be fine while the two people down another guy seems to be in the same position as I am. I didn't understand much of his Portuguese though.

6.20 It all happened before I had time to assimilate it. Doctor Pilar announces that I will be the first and I am led into a dark, cold, blurry room. Here it goes. They lay me down on a table, ask if I am comfortable and the laser moves into position over my head. From this point on I am not sure of everything that happens recounting what I can... My right eye is taped shut and a metal ring is placed on my eye and opened to prevent me from blinking. My eye by this time is completely numb but I can feel pressure. A round object is placed on my eye and pressed down quite strongly until I lose my vision. I can still make out bright lights but that is it. It has to have been one of the strangest sensations I have felt in my life. Not nice but not horrible either. Just strange. In that state, being very careful not to move my eye, the first laser cut open a flap on my cornea. Then my cornea was measured and the doctor announced that there was in fact enough to fully fix my vision. Excellent news. The laser switched positions and hovering over my right eye with the left taped shut, opened a flap. And the first step was complete.

6.24 I am led across the room to another laser, laid down, and it takes it's position above my left eye. The metal ring holds my eyelid open. I am told that this is now the important step and NOT to move my eye. Everything goes black except for the red laser burning into my eye. I feel nothing but can smell burning. I am told this is normal. After 30 seconds Pilar tells me that the left eye is done. At this point I am still without pain but do feel slightly dazed and confused. The combination of lasers and Valium dim my awareness. She moves on to do my right eye but has to stop the laser once as my eye wonders off the right. Not a good thing but no harm down as she shuts the laser off. I concentrate as hard as I can but feel like I have no control. Everything is a bit dim. The second time around she completes the process and it is finished! They help me up and ask if I feel nauseous, I say no but the world is a blur, a dark blur. At 6.27 the I had new eyes.

6.29 I am led to a waiting room. I have my sunglasses on and am told to wait for a while till the doctor comes and checks my eye.

6.33 The anesthetic wears off and perhaps 4 of the painful hours of my life commence.

6.34 I am in a dark, painful world where I cannot see and cannot open my eyes. Everything is a blur. I want to rub my eyes but I cannot. It will be three months before I can rub my eyes again. That could lead to the tearing off of the flap. Not good. I am told to try and open my eyes as much as possible. Even though it is agony doing so. The light is blinding even with sunglasses on and I am unable to focus. Nevermind the burning sensation in my eyes.

7.30 The doctor checks my eyes and puts in some drops. Everything looks good, but I can't concentrate on anything except the pain. You've got about 3 or 4 more hours and then it will be fine she tells me. I leave the clinic at about 8 o'clock, led blindly by some friends. Until 12 o'clock midnight I am not allowed to go to sleep. Drops are to be put in every hour and I must try to keep my eyes open, trying to focus as much as possible.

I cannot explain the pain but just to say I never want to go through it again (don't let this put you off having laser surgery though, the next day it's all worth it). Every eye is different, plus there are different techniques. Everyone reacts differently. The important thing is the end result and that is the ability to see well. In that case, mission accomplished and I don't regret anything.

12.00 Midnight I slap my eye covers on and fall into blissful sleep. The previous hours were awful but as soon as I was asleep it all went away. I wake up 9 hours later a new man. I can see perfectly and have no pain. Amazing! I have a checkup at 10 and the doctor announces that I can see 100 percent which is extremely rare the following day. I smile and walk home seeing for the very first time!

Since then several days have gone by. Blurriness comes and goes but that is normal. My eyes are red and I wear my sunglasses outside. But there is no discomfort and occasionally I reach for my glasses or think about taking my contacts out before going to bed.... Not anymore, I am a free man!

pray for Zimbabwe

article from http://www.24-7prayer.com/ by Andy Freeman

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Pray For Zimbabwe: A Nation in Crisis by Andy Freeman
RSS Feed
December 11th, 2008

“We are all terrified at what they are going to destroy next........I mean they are actually ploughing down brick and mortar houses and one family with twin boys of 10 had no chance of salvaging anything when 100 riot police came in with AK47's and bulldozers and demolished their beautiful house - 5 bedrooms and pine ceilings - because it was 'too close to the airport', so we are feeling extremely insecure right now.”

This is just one of the many impassioned and desperate pleas for help from a resident in what must be the most broken nation on earth right now ... Zimbabwe.

In the early 80’s, Rhodesia came out from the shadow of the oppresive rule of Ian Smith, and gained a new identity and hope as a the newly independent nation of Zimbabwe. It’s history had been bleak, and British colonial rule had at times been appalling. But then, all was hope. At it’s head was Robert Mugabe, a man championed in much of Africa as a freedom fighter.

Zimbabwe now has moved from early prosperity and optimism to a slow and painful economic and political death. Hyper-inflation means that millions of Zimbabwe $ are needed just to buy bread - and that’s if you can find any bread as most stores are empty. Only 20% of the country’s population have a job.

An uneasy coalition between Mugabe and his opposition rival Morgan Tswangari, holds together, but only just - and somehow, despite apparently losing a presidential election ... Mugabe remains in power.

Months ago Mugabe famously declared that only God could remove him from power. For many, that has now become their prayer.

In 2007, Nelson Mandela appointed ‘the Elders’ - a group responsible for humanitarian work across Africa. The team of Kofi Annan (former UN security general), Jimmy Carter (former US president) and Graca Machel (African justice campaigner and wife of Nelson Mandela) had hoped to help in Zimbabwe’s crisis, but now been barred from the country, with Mugabe himself refusing them a visa last month. Their’s and everybody’s patience seems to have worn out.

‘There is bitter disappointment in the current leadership. This government has not demonstrated the ability to lead the country out of its current crisis’
(Kofi Annan)

And now, as if Zimbabwe had not suffered enough, the country is in the grip of a cholera crisis. The World Heath Organisation estimated 14,000 have the disease with hundreds already dead. According to Medicine Sans Frontiers most clean water and sanitation systems are compromised, leading to the spread of infection. Even hospitals, such as Harare Central Hospital lay empty and without resources to help.

‘The sick lose all hope of finding treatment the moment they step into the lifeless hospital reception” (BBC website).

So what can we do ? I want to ask you to pray, in your prayer weeks, in your churches or on your own. Lets all own the task of seeking God and asking for his deliverance of Zimbabwe and it’s people. How can we pray? Here’s four suggestions:

1. That we recognise what’s going on and repent of the part we play. Lets recognise and say sorry for our apathy. Lets repent on behalf of our governments where they haven’t acted. If we’re British lets start by saying sorry on behalf of our nation for the legacy of hurt and injustice we sowed into the old Rhodesia for many years.
2. Lets pray for Robert Mugabe, for a renewing of his mind and a change of his heart. He is in a dark place. Lets bring his plea before God, that only God could bring about new leadership. Lets pray for the miracle of change in Zimbabwe.
3. Lets pray for aid organisations, bringing food and medicine into the country. That their work wouldn’t be interfered with, that it might increase and that people can get food and medicine that they need.
4. Lets pray for the people of Zimbabwe, for their protection, for their deliverance from oppression, for their families and loved ones. Pray for the church in Zimbabwe that it might know how to take a stand and how to be Christ amongst all this appalling hardship.

I’ll leave the last word to the writer of the email I received:

“You know - I am aware that this does not help you sleep at night, but if you do not know - how can you help? Even if you put us in your own mental ring of light and send your guardian angels to be with us - that is a help -but I feel so cut off from you all knowing I cannot tell you what's going on here simply because you will feel uncomfortable. There is no ways we can leave here so that is not an option. I ask that you all pray for us in the way that you know how. “

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libertad - bonhoeffer

Estaciones en el camino hacia la libertad

Disciplina

Si sales en busca de la libertad, aprende ante todo
la disciplina de tus sentidos y de tu alma, para que tus deseos
y tus miembros no te arrastre ya aquí ya allá.
Castos sean tu mente y tu cuerpo, a ti sumisos en todo
y obedientes, para ir en busca de la meta propuesta.
Nadie sondea el misterio de la libertad, a no ser por la disciplina.

Acción

No hay que hacer y osar lo arbitrario, sino lo justo
no hay que flotar en lo posible, sino emprender con valor lo real
pues la libertad no está en los pensamientos, sino en la acción.
Sal de la vacilación angustiosa y enfréntate con la tempestad de los
acontecimientos,
llevado tan sólo por la ley de Dios y por tu fe,
y la libertad acogerá con júbilo tu espíritu.

Sufrimiento

¡Maravillosa transformación! Tus manos fuertes, activas,
Atadas están. Impotente, abandonado, ves el fin
de tus actos. Mas tomas aliento y, tranquilo y confiado,
entregas lo justo a manos más fuertes y quedas aliviado.
Sólo un instante rozaste feliz la libertad,
Luego la entregaste a Dios, para que Él la perfeccione
maravillosamente.

Muerte

Ven ya, fiesta suprema en el camino hacia la eterna libertad
muerte, abate las molestas cadenas y murallas
de nuestro cuerpo mortal y de nuestra cegada alma,
para que por fin podamos contemplar lo que aquí nos está vedado.
Libertad: te hemos buscado largo tiempo en la disciplina, la acción y
el sufrimiento.
Moribundos ya, te reconocemos en la faz de Dios.


Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Examen hecho

Exam finished; and whew!

It all started with a months intensive course in another city, Cáceres. A Spanish course. Four weeks of studying vocab, grammar, nexos, objectos indirectos, directos, pretérito pluscuamperfectos, etc. And I loved it. That was September.

At the same time I got to thinking about doing this exam called the D.E.L.E. Diploma de Español como Lengua Extranjera. Or a Diploma in Spanish as a Foreign Language. Let's just say you can't be Spanish and take it cause its like a level test. See where you are at in your language learning. It's recognized all over the world and in fact you can take it all over the world. So I got to thinking that it would be something worth having.

There are three levels. Beginners, Intermediate, and Superior. I figured there wasn't much sense in going for anything less than the top one, and if I fail you can always go for it again! It can serve for many things, but the main thing is that it's an official document that shows your language level. In my case Spanish.

That led to buying a book to prepare for the thing. And lots and lots of mornings dedicated to passing the thing. It's not free by the way, so all the more motivation!

Well a couple of months went by like so. Mornings studying and afternoons teaching. And then the 21st of November arrived and it was the day of the exam!


Hour 1- read three texts and answer questions. Read questions from an interview and match the appropriate responses. Sounds easy but believe me they find ways to make it complicated!

Hour 2- write a formal letter about a certain topic they give you and then write an essay on another topic they give you.

half hour for coffee and mental relaxation!

Hour 3- listen to a bunch of interviews and readings on a cd- answer questions accordingly.

Hour 4- vocabulary and grammar. answer loads of questions about, well, grammar and vocab.

lunch.

and finally the oral exam! Really it was lots of nerves for nothing. In the end I sat down for this bit and it was no problem. We usually just fear that which we don't know. In the case of the oral exam that is true.



Well that was the exam and by the time it was finished I was exhausted (more from the stress than anything) and quite pleased since it had went well. So I went home and took a siesta. Several months of hard work and stress and wondering how the exam would go can take it out of you.


Now I sit and wait. Till February when the results are released. Not exactly overnight service, but I guess since they do the exam all over the world and then they are all sent to Madrid to be graded, well that takes time.

So I don't know if I passed or not, but I have a good feeling. And that's all we have to go on for now!

weird dancing take II

don't ask me why- but going with the weird dancing theme a couple of posts ago...

historia de perros

En aquel entonces yo vivía en una pequeña granja que quedaba justo a las afueras de un pequeño pueblo tranquilo. Tenía 9 años y habían pasado cuatro meses desde que mi fiel perro Pud había muerto a una edad bastante mayor. Mi padre había decidido que era tiempo de comprar otro perro, ya que la época de luto había transcurrido la suficiente y así llegó Traca, envuelta en una vieja toalla dentro de una caja en la parte frontal de la camioneta de mi padre.

Era un cocker color negro con mechas doradas por la cara. A primera vista quedó olvidado el dolor que habían provocado las memorias de mi antiguo compañero Pud. Así es cuando uno tiene 9 años. En el momento que murió, había dicho que nunca tendría otro perro y que tampoco volvería a jugar con uno, sin embargo, con Traca en mis brazos, lamiéndome la cara, la felicidad que proporciona una mascota propia me llenó otra vez. Así es cuando uno tiene 9 años.

Pasaron los meses y Traca creció y se convirtió en mi fiel compañero. Me seguía por todas partes (menos al colegio donde no dejaban entrar los perros) y compartíamos todo.
Pasó un año y casi cualquier recuerdo que guardaba de Pud había desaparecido. Me acordé de él solo cuando oí mencionar su nombre o vi una foto en un álbum. Tenía a Traca y todos esos antiguos recuerdos se estaban reemplazando con nuevos.

Hasta que el día en que llegué a casa después del colegio y vi las caras de mis padres. Lagrimosamente mi madre me contó que Traca había sido atropellada unas horas antes por un coche y no había sobrevivido. Fue todo muy rápido y no sufrió mucho se empeño en decirme.

Mi sufrimiento duró mucho más. Unos tres meses o por ahí, hasta el momento en que llegó Sadie, una cachorra negra con mechas blancas por su cara. Así es cuando uno tiene 10 años.

Where the hell is Matt? Scuse the language.

Watch it and not smile. Just try.



Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Las Caras de Jesús- por Buechner

Con la cara de un bebé, surge una esperanza y a la vez un temor, que el mundo no haya visto antes. Porque ahora Dios tiene una cara.

El mundo ya no es seguro de como es Dios. Una vez que haya aparecido en un establo, quien puede saber donde aparecerá después o hasta que extremos irá o hasta que nivel de auto-humillación se someterá en su búsqueda del corazón humano.
Si su poder, majestad y santidad estuvieron presentes en este evento tan prometedor (auspicioso), el nacimiento de un hijo de campesinos, entonces no hay lugar, ni tiempo demasiado insignificante donde Dios no pueda estar. Eso es la esperanza!!
Y el temor... Todo eso quiere decir que no estamos a salvo de él, no hay lugar donde podamos escondernos de Dios, no hay sitio donde estemos a salvo de su poder para interrumpir, entrar y quebrantar nuestro corazón humano. Porque es justo cuando él parece más impotente e indefenso que en realidad es más fuerte. Y justo en el sitio donde lo esperamos menos es donde aparece con su plena presencia.

Pero al mismo tiempo este nacimiento significa que Dios nunca está a salvo de nosotros. Él nos viene de tal manera que siempre lo podemos rechazar, igual como podríamos ignorar a un niño o colgarle a un hombre en una cruz cuando su voz penetra demasiado.
Dios nos aparece en las personas hambrientas, a las cuales no tenemos que dar de comer. Nos viene en las personas que se sienten solas, las cuales no tenemos que consolar. Se nos presenta en la desesperada necesidad humana a la cual siempre podemos dar la espalda. Significa que Dios se somete a la merced de nosotros, y no solo en el sentido del sufrimiento que le causamos por nuestra crueldad, egoísmo y frialdad, sino también en el hecho de elegir sufrir nosotros mismos. Porque así es el amor. Cuando alguien que amamos sufre, sufrimos también.


Traducción de una parte de Las Caras de Jesús.

La rana que quería ser una rana auténtica

escrito por Augusto Monterroso. (página web)


Había una vez una rana que quería ser una Rana auténtica, y todos los días se esforzaba en ello.
Al principio se compró un espejo en el que se miraba largamente buscando su ansiada autenticidad. Unas veces parecía encontrarla y otras no, según el humor de ese día o de la hora, hasta que se cansó de esto y guardó el espejo en un baúl.

Por fin pensó que la única forma de conocer su propio valor estaba en la opinión de la gente, y comenzó a peinarse y a vestirse y a desvestirse (cuando no le quedaba otro recurso) para saber si los demás la aprobaban y reconocían que era una Rana auténtica.

Un día observó que lo que más admiraban de ella era su cuerpo, especialmente sus piernas, de manera que se dedicó a hacer sentadillas y a saltar para tener unas ancas cada vez mejores, y sentía que todos la aplaudían.

Y así seguía haciendo esfuerzos hasta que, dispuesta a cualquier cosa para lograr que la consideraran una Rana auténtica, se dejaba arrancar las ancas, y los otros se las comían, y ella todavía alcanzaba a oír con amargura cuando decían que qué buena rana, que parecía pollo.

quote by CS Lewis

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We read so that we might know we are not alone.
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anti-cafeina

Para los que sepan de la ley anti-tobaco aquí en España... Este video resultará interesante y quizás un poco gracioso.

prayer

I feel like I don't know what you are up to. So often insecure, unstable and a little bit alone.
I cannot deny how you have changed me, shaped me, formed me and loved me, though I always seem to have questions running through my mind. I wonder who I am. And who I will be. I know you don't stop working.

I have said it before and I will say it again- that I am yours, before I am my own. You have the right to my innermost and my outermost. To withhold is to rob you on the one thing you ask.

My prayer is that my lack of seeing, of understanding, of capacity will not affect you in me. That you take me despite my constant double mindedness and weakness. Make me, shake me, I am yours.
And when I cry out in weakness, in lack of understanding- remember my words spoken into eternity- perhaps in ignorance but from within. And complete your work in me.

Only remember that I am small and frail and it will be only by your grace that I will be able to withstand- you in me.

change.

I am changing the name of my blog. So if you see various titles floating around in the air know that I am in the process of processing a good title.

blue fence

Must comment on this blog that I found through my friend Katrina's blog (which by the way is excellent, see Standing on the Edge). This blog is called Blue Fence and well, this girl (Shannon) explains it better than I could. So see for yourself...


click here: BLUE FENCE

Wishful Thinking... Buechner

Was reading through this book again by Buechner and came across this about grace. For what it's worth...




GRACE:

...After centuries of handling and mishandling, most religious words become so shopworn nobody's much interested anymore. Not so with grace, for some reason. Mysteriously, even derivatives like gracious and graceful still have some of the bloom left.
...Grace is something you can never get but can only be given. There's no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.
...A good sleep is grace and so are good dreams. Most tears are grace. The smell of rain is grace. Somebody loving you is grace. Loving somebody is grace. Have you ever tried to love somebody?
...A crucial eccentricity of the Christian faith is the assertion that people are saved by grace. There's nothing you have to do. There's nothing you have to do. There's nothing you have to do.
...The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe. I love you.
...There's only one catch. Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you'll reach out and take it.
...Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.

Pt. III

Been a while since I posted from The Shaping of Things to Come. Here is a bit of a summary of recent reading:


Expanding on the INCARNATIONAL approach.

2 Cor 5:19 ...God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself...
Those who seek God will now find him in Jesus the man.

Couple of thoughts now on evangelism (p 44): Jesus commented to his disciples that he would make them fishers of men. Not only was he using words and concepts that the disciples understood but he was hinting at the missional community which was to come.
Fishing rods versus nets. We think of it as going out, casting out our line and with the right bait, the right words, the right church program, the right lingo, the right moment, someone will bite the hook. Its a one on one affair. "If everyone does their bit and gets a couple of friends saved and then into the church, we will be fulfilling Jesus' mandate."
In turn, Jesus wasn't referring to poles and bait but rather nets. They fished with nets, they went out, dragged their net about and then went back to shore, taking with them whatever had been caught in the net. The real key then was not studying the currents, tides and all the other technical details (though it is not unhelpful) but the strength of the nets! If the nets were strong and clean, their would be a catch. Note, they spent more time mending and cleaning their nets than actually out on the water.
Frost sees this image relating to us today in that "instead of adopting a stance that requires a Christian to leave a sacred zone to go and fish for an individual to return with him to that zone (church building), it releases the church to see its 'fishing' as a more relational exercise. If the disciples spent so much time on their nets to ensure a catch, what might those nets be for us today? We propose that the web of relationships, friendships, and acquaintances that Christians normally have makes up the net into which not-yet Christians will swim. This means that the missional-incarnational church will spend more time on building friendships than it will on developing religious programs."

Following that up he quotes:
"But no thought is given to establish what church members are already doing in their neighborhood and places of work. No attempt is made, for example, to identify the medical practitioner who has changed the approach to patients by providing counseling and practical support rather than just curative care. No attempt is made to identify the local (public official) in the congregation who is tackling certain important quality of life and social issues in the community. No attempt is made to support the lady who is conducting an informal neighborhood bible study group. No attempt is made to support prayerfully the teacher who has just started work in an inner-city school with many pupils from broken families. And no attempt is made to see ones family's care for their disabled child as a ministry worthy of the church's support and prayers."
More than that, we don't see businessmen, students, youth workers, lecturers, plumbers, electricians, and homemakers as having missional roles in their worlds... We don't see the strong creation of friendships that parents make through the local school as being anything to do with mission (unless they're inviting them to church). We can't see the regular gathering of *whatever group* as part of the net that catches people into the kingdom of God.



*all thoughts taken from The Shaping of Things to Come*

october in Badajoz

mainly posting this post because i like the how the title follows my previous posting. surely that should be reason enough for a post. sometimes one thinks of a thrown-in title for something profound they have written. and other times the content might just be throw-in for a profound title.

Cáceres in September

I spent a month in Cáceres, a beautiful city in the north of Extremadura. The month of September to further define it. I was doing a months intensive Spanish course. I realized a couple of things during that month. One was that I enjoy studying things that I enjoy. Like Spanish. The other is that I kinda dig living alone. I spent two months this summer living alone (for the first time really as I've always lived with a family ((mine or a borrowed one)) or friends). There are advantages to each one, but this past month I appreciated what it is to live alone.

I am doing a Spanish exam in November so this course was preparing me if you will. Currently I am going through a prep book I bought for this exam. Needless to say if I didn't like Spanish this would be as fun as watching grass grow, but like I mentioned before, studying something I enjoy isn't all that bad. So the month was good, I met some great people from all over the world: Palestine, Leictenstein/Pakistan, Granada, Cáceres, England, Argentina, etc, ate some great food, ie torta del casar (good strong cheese if its your thing), lentils from Palestine, secreto iberico, as well as some other stuff whose names I can't remember!

Anyways, I am back in Badajoz now and the course is finished (as is the lack of internet access which I very much learned to appreciate). Teaching has kicked off and is now in high gear. An income is usually a good thing. Not to much on the cooker for the next month or so, just studying for the DELE exam and teaching the english.

FYI, in the fotos are my friends Jared and Mau with the old lady when they came to visit me in Cáceres. Good times in a nice city. Recommend it on your tour of Spain.

contrast

if the below post is maybe what church should be about, than the above picture is maybe what church shouldn't be.

nicked from the website of small boat big sea.

Pt. II

Expanding on the three flaws of the current church: ATTRACTIONAL, DUALISTIC, AND HIERARCHICAL.

The current mindset in the church is that it has to get it "right" and people will come flooding in to be changed by the gospel. That we have to "attract" people. If the teaching is interesting enough, if the music is good enough, if the children's program is quality and the lighting is perfect then the community will come flocking into the services. It as if everything has to do with the service itself, as if people are looking for a service to attend on Sunday morning, just that they haven't found the one that is perfect yet. This is the problem with attractional. It is a COME-TO-US attitude instead of a GO-TO-THEM mentality which is clearly the more biblical of the two.

Dualism is the act of separating the sacred from the profane, the holy from the unholy, and unfortunately what has become "religious and secular". It produces a gap between belief and everyday life. We talk about the "world out there" and "us in here". Clearly a Christ-like way of seeing it. (sarcasm there if you missed it).

Heirarchical leadership is dominant. What about Paul's radical dissolution of the traditional distinctions between priests and laity, between officials and ordinary members, between holy men and common people? "The first Christians radically reshaped the language of "priesthood" and "sacrifice." In one sense all are priests; believers are their own priests for all have immediacy of access to God's grace in Christ. What priests have performed for others before, believers can now do for themselves. In another sense, none can be appointed priests in the Christian church, for Christ has fulfilled the priestly role once for all." To say it clearly, there needs to be a recognition that the common layman has as equally important, and needs to be equipped for such as much as any "pastor" or "minister." It is a recognition of the ministry of a daily life. This is not doing away with leadership, for that is biblical, but rather a shift needs to take place in the understanding that we all have ministries, we all are priests, we all are "sent-ones" and there is no such thing as a high-calling to the pastorate or the mission field. Check Ephesians 4 and the concept of a body with Christ as the head, heirarchical or apostolic leadership? Quite clearly it is the latter and as the church we have gravitated to a top-down model with someone other than Christ as the head.




So then, these trends must be reversed and what emerges is a missional church, which by its very nature will be an anti-clone of the existing traditional model. Rather than being attractional, it will be incarnational. It will leave its own religious zones and live comfortably with non-church-goers, seeping into the host culture like salt and light. It will be an infiltrating, transformational community. Second, rather than being dualistic, it will embrace a messianic spirituality. That is, a spirituality of engagement with culture and the world in the same mode as the Messiah himself. And third, the missional church will develop an apostolic form of leadership rather than the traditional hierarchical model.


(Again, these are quotes and thoughts taken from The Shaping of Things to Come.)

Currently

Currently without internet access in all other places except the library.

Currently I am also spending the month in Cáceres.

Later I will post what I am up to, what life is like here, and some more thoughts from Things to Come.

Pt. I continued- All quotes.

"The missional church represents God in the encounter between God and human culture. It exists not because of human goals or desires, but as a result of God's creating and saving work in the world. It is a visible manifestation of how the Good News of Jesus Christ is present in human life and transforms human culture to reflect more faithfully God's intentions for creation. It is a community that visibly and effectively participates in God's activity, just as Jesus indicated when he referred to it in metaphorical language as salt, yeast, and light in the world."

Three overarching principles...

1. The missional church is incarnational, not attractional, in its ecclesiology. By incarnational we mean it does not create sanctified spaces into which unbelievers must come to encounter the gospel. Rather, the missional church disassembles itself and seeps into the cracks and crevices of a society in order to be Christ to those who don't yet know him.

2. The missional church is messianic, not dualistic, in its spirituality. That is, it adopts the worldview of Jesus the Messiah, rather than that of the Greco-Roman empire. Instead of seeing the world as divided between the sacred (religious) and profane (nonreligious), like Christ it sees the world and God's place in it as more holistic and integrated.

3. The missional church adopts an apostolic, rather than a hierarchical, mode of leadership. By apostolic we mean a mode of leadership that recognizes the fivefold model detailed by Paul in Ephesians 4. It abandons the triangular hierarchies of the traditional church and embraces a biblical, flat-leadership community that unleashes the gifts of evangelism, apostleship, and prophecy, as well as the currently popular pastoral and teaching gifts.


-the emerging missional church must see itself as being able to interact meaningfully with culture without eve being beguiled by it.

-to see itself as a missionary movement rather than as an institution.




The above were all quoted from chapter 1, The Shaping of Things to Come.

Thoughts from The Shaping of Things to Come. Pt. I

I am currently reading the book: The Shaping of Things to Come by Michael Frost and Alan Hirsch. It's kinda thick, kinda heavy, and it takes a bit of wading to get through. All of that because it is full of ideas and insight into culture, church and the world we live in. So to help process my own thoughts, I am going to spew out some of what I am processing, some of what sticks out and whatever else deems itself worthy of being spelled out. Note: most of the following will be extracts taken from the book or their thoughts in my words, with my occasional thoughts thrown in. I will try to mention when it is me thinking out loud.

Part I

There is a phenomenal shift taking place in our Western World, a spiritual awakening happening and everyday the institutionalized church is becoming less and less relevant. Perhaps the description of a festival that takes place in the Black Rock Desert in the Western United States can describe this awakening, this hunger that is being felt by humanity.

The festival is called Burning Man.

"Each year thousands of artists, musicians, bohemians punks, taggers, rappers and other artistes or simply interested bystanders journey into the 107-degree heat of the desert for a festival like no other. It is a temporary community of people committed to generosity environmentalism, celebration, spirituality, and above all, art. Burning Man has been so successful over the past five years that it has come to represent those trends that pose the greatest challenges to the Christian church. It dares offer acceptance, community, an experience of god, redemption, and atonement. In short, it resembles everything the church is supposed to offer. But many people are finding the transformative power of Burning Man to be far and away more effective than anything they experience in church."

What is it that is attractive and so real and so true? There are six key elements:

BELONGING: (says the official website) "You belong here and you participate. You´re not the weirdest kid in the classroom- there's always somebody there who's thought up something you never even considered. You're there to breathe art... You're here to to build a community that needs you and relies on you."

In a society that has been fractured by economic rationalism, globalization, racial disunity, ideological differences, fear, and violence, the Burning Man community claims to offer solace, welcome, and acceptance.

SURVIVAL: It is not for the faint-hearted. It involves venturing into the desert and surviving without restaurants, air conditioning, or shopping malls. With all the comforts of home stripped away, participants are forced to look deep within themselves, to discover who they truly are, and to summon up from within themselves the will and the power to survive- both in the desert and after they return to the world outside.

EMPOWERMENT: (says the official website) "You're here to create. Since nobody at Burning Man is a spectator, you're here to build your own new world..." Everyone is to participate, no one is deemed to be without talent.

SENSUALITY: Burning Man is a highly sensual, experiential community. "You're here to experience..."

CELEBRATION: The crescendo of the festival is the burning of the large human effigy in the middle of the camp. Participants have said that as the Burning Man goes up in flames, they experience a deeply spiritual sensation. Artists also cast their works into the flames. There is apparently a purging, a form of atonement, and a sense of liberation and joy.

LIMINALITY: The word liminal in Latin signifies an in-between time. A transition, temporary period of human transformation. The Burning Man community appears in August and takes over the seeming untouched playa (desert), then leaves in September leaving no trace it was ever there.

This festival, judge it how you will, is a cry from an emerging postmodern generation for a community of belonging, spirituality, sensuality, empowerment, and liberation. Of course the transformative power of the gospel of Jesus Christ is greater than anything offered at this festival, but is the church living out and expressing that? (excerpts from pages 3-5 occasionally in my own words)


Me thinking out loud-
What does the church currently have to say or offer? Is the church prepared to be a community that offers those (Biblical) characteristics in some form to people who will never cross the threshold of a church building? These needs, desires, and longings expressed by the artists at Burning Man are not so far off from most people's. There are real and they are legitimate. Surely Jesus has something to say to those feelings and states of being as much as the Burning Man festival. As the church, we find ourselves a long way off from being relevant to anybody willing to express the spiritual awakening which they are experiencing. There is something of those six elements in each of us, whether we have smothered them in the name of security and institution or not. There is something of truth being expressed in them. I believe Jesus has something to say to it and as his church we had better too.

lack of tiredness

aye aye aye. insomnia in august. early monday morning classes cancelled. all motivation to go to bed- out the window. perhaps i'll just have to stay up all night squeezing my brain for words. and this is all i manage to come up with for a post! maybe inspiration will come around 3.

Sonnet

The Chasm


Laughter or sarcasm. Sarcasm, laughter . . .

Contagious, infectious and likely to spread
into rushing flames. Be careful which you
choose.......(No matter- you'll probably lose.)

But lest you worry about choices and friends,
remember that fog turns quickly . . .
where rusty creeks run, and a tree ends up turning
into tiny debris. Water spigots and lost friends
have - not much in common.

..................................So avoid Radio Flyers
with small children in back, for what they may lack,
are those false things in the night.

But always make sure to embrace the knife that bridges
...the chasm
so oft created not from laughter- but sarcasm.

alone

This is the photo of someone sitting in an airport. Someone who has been there for a while, someone who no longer has a suitcase. Or perhaps someone who is about to lose it. Sitting in Madrid. Or was it Heathrow? Thinking about it now, coulda been Chicago. There was a foreboding sense that it was about to happen. It was nearly said out loud as they parted ways at the check-in. Go figure. It was as if the connection between suitcase and owner was tangible up till London and then all went blank. The changeover was way too fast, there was no way it could have made the switch... Something wasn't right.

Waiting in Madrid at the luggage belt watching bag after bag come out.

Waiting in Madrid at the luggage belt watching no bags come out. Alone.

Long walk to the lost baggage desk.

Walk out of the airport alone, with empty hands and nothing but the clothes on my back which were about to be worn for more hours straight than was ever meant.

That is what this photo is about.

into someone else's life.

Tonight I came across a blog by a guy I don't know and haven't ever met but we happen to have a friend or two in common. As I read through his thoughts on his life I was struck by the honest, open simplicity of the way he described various occurrences from the last while. No pretenses, just communication. It was refreshing actually. It was like he was writing for himself, yet aware that people like me would be looking in, and so he explains everything very neatly, almost like it was for a child. Although what he writes about is not remotely childish, perhaps it is as a child would view the world. I dig it.

It is one thing to read a friend's blog. It's great actually. But it's something entirely different to look into someone's life whom you have never met and wouldn't even recognize on the street- and finish feeling like you have been been for a two hour coffee with them for the third time that week...

I think we'll go for coffee again.

quote by Eugene Peterson

The great masters of the imagination do not make things up out of thin air; they direct our attention to what is right before our eyes. They train us to what is right before our eyes. They then train us to see it whole- not in fragments but in context, with all the connections. They connect the visible and the invivsible, the this with the that. They assist us in seeing what is around us all the time but which we regularly overlook. With their help we see it not as commonplace but as awesome, not as banal but as wondrous. For this reason the imagination is one of the the essential ministries in nurturing the life of faith. For faith is not a lap out of the everyday but a plunge into its depths.

quote by Thomas á Kempis

Jesus today has many who love his heavenly kingdom, but few who carry his cross; many who yearn for comfort, few who long for distress. Plenty of people he finds to share his banquet, few to share his fast. Everyone desires to take part in his rejoicing, but few are willing to suffer anything for his sake. There are many that follow Jesus as far as the breaking of bread, few are far as drinking the cup of suffering; many that revere his miracles, few that follow him in the indignity of the cross.

the Valley I

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil: for thou art with me…

The valley.

Whether it be long and narrow or wide and deep, the valley is not for the faint of heart. While it is good there, the silence can be deep and long. While it is beautiful, at night the shadows deepen and the light recedes back up the mountain leaving the darkness in its wake. However for those who wish to peer into the deep things, it is a path unavoidable. It is the only way to become like Him. True revelation comes at a price. That price is a journey, not only across the mountaintops but also down into the deep valleys that separate the peaks that reach up towards the heavens.

Every traveler is one who has left home. One who has forsaken what was his own, what was comfortable in search of something more. He has embraced foreignness and will not arrive till he has found his true home. The man who embarks on this journey is not the same as the man who completes this journey. He does not carry a map; he does not know where his steps will take him. All he can see is a city off in the distance, a distant glow that surpasses all others. He knows his destination awaits him, and while he is not completely sure how he will get there, he knows that the same power that pushes him out is the same power that will lead him home.

the Valley II

Night has fallen in the quiet valley and memories of the warm sunlight have long since faded. The traveler, alone, sits amongst a grove of trees that are all too still looking up towards the black, cloud-covered darkness. The cold has seeped through his clothes and with the long night before him, despair begins knocking at his heart. Despite the night air, lines of sweat make trails down his worn skin as he rocks back and forth, his beard brushing against his knees; perhaps to keep warm or perhaps to fight off the fear that seems to be closing in. His lips move quickly forming words but only whispers would be heard if one were kneeling beside him.

He is alone. This dark night has closed around his soul and he is left to the powers that be as they batter him back and forth. His mind a battleground and his body awaits expectantly. His response will be according to the decision cast down from on high. He can taste the fear in his mouth as he senses that perhaps his time has come. He wonders if he is capable. He wonders if he will have the strength to finish what he started. He reaches up to wipe the sweat off his face and in the half-light his hand looks as if it was smeared with blood. There is no one else. No one to help shoulder what he has to bare, no one’s touch to comfort him. He is truly and utterly alone.

He knows not when it will begin, whether in the dark of the night or the first light of dawn. Whether in silence or shouting they will come. The revelation runs through his body- what was started is about to be finished. Trembling he pronounces the words that have been brewing from deep inside him ever since the full revelation had descended. Words that mean the end since the answer will be final.

The man falls forward, losing awareness of the cold and the darkness, conscious only of what is forming on his lips. His heart bursts with the enormity and weight of what seems the world on his back. He is one man. What will it be like to experience for the first and only time complete and utter separation from the creator of all things? Humans are not meant to bear the revelation of such things, let alone the sheer hell of the experience itself. Suddenly the words fall from his lips, now formed and birthed into existence. Like all spoken words they are breathed into eternity and cannot be taken back. The words reach up into the heavens and down into the depths. The Father hears them and words do not express what he feels.

“O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me. Followed immediately with “nevertheless not as I will, but as you will.”
And then again, “if this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, let your will be done.”
And finally a third time.
It is a final resignation to the path that leads out of the valley. It is the only way. The only way anyone will ever be able to the leave the valley and enter into rest.

The wind picks up and the stillness seems to disappear in anticipation and sudden expectation and the leaves on the trees begin to make noise. The man feels release wash over him as the words are spoken and make their journey infinitely outwards. The answer is already there before the sound of the request has died out. He has known his Father’s will since before the beginning of time. His will is the Father’s will. Now he is ready. He has spoken out of being human. He has voiced the innermost, deepest and most human request to ever be formed. Never before has he been so frailly human. Never again will anyone be so human again.

In the distance voices are distinguished. Glimpses of torchlight can be seen through the now swaying trees. The hour has come. His hour has come. He pulls himself to his feet and the weight of the world shifts from his back to his shoulders. Soon that weight will be two literal beams in the form of a cross. The group approaches and the lonely traveler is greeted with a kiss from an old friend.




The trees in the valley have stopped swaying. The first light of day rushes across the sky and all is still again. Sensing the importance of this day, the trees pause to consider what had been witnessed the previous night. Alone and weak the traveler had come and knelt beneath them. He had faced the night, but in a moment shortly before the others came something changed. It was as if he had entered the valley with the human vision of all that awaited him on the other side of dawn, for he was human. However for the first time in human history, the Father refused to take the cup from a human hand, and instead would pour it out fully over the Son, and the world would be changed forever. It was that vision that tormented the traveler, the vision of what it was to be separated utterly and completely from the Father, making all other valleys pale in comparison.

In the darkest hour of the night, in the moment when the sun, moon, and stars shone the least, revelation descended and the vision of the Father for himself and every other frail human being was revealed, and the traveler was led away into the night. He had faced the end and poured out everything, and when human strength and understanding failed him, he bled the only words that are left at that point, “not my will but yours” and thus found his way out of Gethsemane.

jack johnson w/ ben harper

live version one of my fav songs by jack and the fact that it features ben harper just makes it deserving of a post...

random Chicago

..................................................................not sure why



¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿?



..........................................................................familia



mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (m&m) colors











alto y claro..................................................................................................

white sox!!

While in Chicago we hit up the White Sox on a beautiful, cool night, perfect for baseball. We had seats in the outfield bleachers in a packed house to see the pale hose take on the Texas Rangers. In accordance with their custom when we are in the stands, the Sox were pounded 6-1 and generally didn't play great ball. But the experience wasn't tarnished too much (it's baseball, the best teams still lose 60 plus games out of 162!) and we left the richer for having been... (the following night their bats responded and won 10-2, go figure)




can't forget 2005. world series champions. go Sox! campeones, campeones...




US Cellular Field. doesn't sound quite like Comisky Park, but since we live in a world where marketing is everywhere, even the name of the stadium has to do its part, pulling in revenue...




a little action.




lined up and surrounded by semi-sober, baseball experts who took pride in constantly telling the Ranger's outfielder Josh Hamilton that he sucks. nevermind that Hamilton just got back from the all-star game where he set a new baseball record for most homeruns in the derby in one round.




from t-shirts to hats, we were all appareled up!




Ninth inning was wrapped up and we were headed home. (Just missing Ash in this picture, maybe if someone has the ability to superimpose..?)

Chicago at Night.

Hopefully somebody got the reference to Spoon... Then again, has anyone even heard of Spoon?

wedding

Saturday the 19th of July, 2008, Jeremy Miller was joined in marriage with Carrie Ulrich. It was the end of one stage of life and the beginning of an even better one. I'm not going to blubber on about the occasion but let it suffice to say that it was a beautiful event and I am extremely happy for them. There were a lot of laughs and probably a few women crying like they tend to do at weddings. (Nothing wrong with that, I'm honestly not criticizing.) Carrie was of course gorgeous and Jeremy looked dashing. Okay, enough of that, I'm getting near the blubbering line. Anyways.... I wouldn't have missed it for anything. Nuff said.

summetime II

what this is is entertainment. on an evening where there isn't too much breeze, a bit of moon and a star or two, grab yourself a few tennis balls. soak them gently in gasoline until wet. place on driveway away from dry grass and put flame close to the ball. watch the fire catch hold. grab tennis ball quickly and throw at friend. friend- catch tennis ball and throw to another friend. continue until the ball flames out. film for good memories. if footage refuses to load, use foto instead.

summertime

happy clouds. its not photoshop, just an airshow down the road if you were wondering...





tubing at the lake. good times.

LIFE part I

My grievance with contemporary society is with its decrepitude. There are few towering pleasures to allure me, almost no beauty to bewitch me, nothing erotic to arouse me, no intellectual circles or positions to challenge or provoke me, no burgeoning philosophies or theologies and no new art to catch my attention or engage my mind, no arousing political, social, or religious movements to stimulate or excite me. There are no free men to lead me. No saints to inspire me. No sinners sinful enough to either impress me or share my plight. No one human enough to validate the "going" lifestyle. It is hard to linger in that dull world without being dulled.

I stake the future on the few humble and hearty lovers who seek God passionately in the marvelous, messy world of redeemed and related realities that lie in front of our noses.

William McNamara (10)



In-satisfaction.
The desire to be fully human.
To be truly alive.
A thirst for that which we will be, when he appears and we become like him, seeing him as he truly is.

But the resistance comes.
The rains fall.
The floods come.
The rains do not fall.
The desert stretches across the horizon.
The valley darkens.
Our eyes fail.
And so-
We settle.
We conform.
We stop striving.
We stop dreaming and forget the dreams we have already dreamt.



Life is hard.

It is easier to relax in the embracing arms of the The Average. Easier, but not better. Easier, but not more significant. Easier, but not more fulfilling. (18)
(The council in this day and age is that we can arrive at our full humanness by gratifying our desires.)
Has something ever been further from the truth?
Someone once said, "Not my will but yours be done."


Vitezslav Gardavsky (a Czech philosopher and martyr) said that the terrible threat against life is not death, nor pain, nor any variation on the disasters that we so obsessively try to protect ourselves against with our social systems and personal stratagems. The terrible threat is that we might die earlier than we really do die, before death has become a natural necessity. The real horror lies in just such a premature death, a death after which we go on living for many years....... (17)



I don't want to die early. I don't want the easy. I have said it before and I will say it again and hope that the only one who can prevent the mediocre from taking root is listening and hears my prayers. For I want to be fully human. I don't want to die before I'm dead. I want fullness in all its pain.

We are meant to have life and to have it abundantly. That means that whatever it brings, whether floods or deserts, valleys or mountaintops and everything else in between, we can live it in abundance. Abundance. Without reserve. Without holding back. Letting go and becoming a humble, hearty lover of God in this messy, marvelous world of the redeemed.




Chunks of this were taken from Run with Horses by Peterson, with some of my comments thrown in.

Jesus and Leadership

A response to Jesus and what he taught about leadership... It's a bit long but hey, don't read it if you don't want to....

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A professor once told his classroom full of students, “All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance, just don't tiptoe.” (225)
It is safe to say that Jesus did anything but tiptoe through life.

Paul says in I Corinthians 4:16, 11:1 and Philippians 3:17 that we should follow his example, as he follows the example of Christ. We are called to be imitators and just as Paul was, so we are called to both lead and follow. To set an example as we follow the example set before us. As followers of Jesus, as disciples being watched and imitated, as people with influence, and therefore leaders, we cannot afford to tiptoe along this narrow path that we are called to travel.

Jesus was radical, as was Paul. In the book Irresistible Revolution, Paul is referred to as a terrorist before his conversion and it is true. The thing about Paul was that he was radical before he met Jesus, and he was still radical after he met him. He was fighting for a wrong cause when he had a revelation of Jesus, and a wrong cause was replaced by the greatest cause ever. He started out a terrorist and ended up an extremist for grace (271).
On a certain level it is very easy to settle in for mediocre leadership. It costs less and will still produce a few results. Mediocre leadership consists of taking the example and teaching of Jesus and attempting to talk your followers into being nice, good people. Which is not all bad, except that it is settling for grape juice when wine could be had. Frederick Buechner describes it like this in the context of the Lord’s Supper (121):
Unfermented grape juice is a bland and pleasant drink, especially on a warm afternoon mixed half-and-half with ginger ale. It is a ghastly symbol of the life blood of Jesus Christ, especially when served in individual antiseptic, thimble-sized glasses.
Wine is booze, which means it is dangerous and drunk-making. It makes the timid brave and the reserved amorous. It loosens the tongue and breaks the ice, especially when served in a loving cup. It kills germs. As symbols go, it is a rather splendid one.
In a sense that seems backward, the challenge today is to drink of the wine. Buechner is right when he says it is the dangerous cup, it is not the easy cup. It is the cup that will bring problems and suffering, but it is also the only cup of the two that will ever bring about what is really worth having. Jesus posed the question that still lingers, “Can you drink from my cup?” and provokes the question, “Which cup do we offer to those who lead?”

Paul was a bad man and we are all bad men. Then Paul had an encounter, a revelation, but instead of just stopping, he went to the other end of the spectrum and became an extremist for grace instead of an extremist for law. Where are the encounters and the revelations that shake us to our very being and drive us to extreme measures? The thing about Jesus was that, and I do not really understand it, he was so full of grace that bad people everywhere flocked to him, crying out for grace, which he gave them. But then he demanded something more, he demanded both a change of heart and a change of actions, he demanded everything, and often they agreed! We fear erring on the side of grace but then neither do we inspire radical change. If a leader wants something to change, he has got to change himself first. Paul got ahold of that, which enabled him to offer himself as an example to follow. There is no way we are called to mediocre discipleship, neither are we called to mediocre leadership that preaches a mediocre gospel. Surely there is something radical in us all that is longing to be drawn out and brought to life, something that longs for the wine in all of its danger.


The thing about Jesus is that his teaching and example are hard to follow, hard to imitate. It is difficult to measure up to the Sermon on the Mount.
Blessed are those who recognize their spiritual poverty for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn and suffer, who are humble, who care more about justice than their own food and water, who show mercy, who are pure in heart, who seek peace and are persecuted for his sake.
Then he brings it home: when an evil person strikes you, do not strike back, but turn to him the other cheek and look him in the eye. If someone demands your shirt, give him your jacket as well. Do the double of what you are asked or forced to do. Do not resist an evil person and give to those who ask of you. Find out who your enemies are so that you can love and pray for them.

“Who wants to be my disciple? Who wants to follow my example? Who wants to lose their life?” Jesus asked these questions as he walked this earth. And then he lost his life and we found ours. He is still asking today, but perhaps in the West we are having trouble distinguishing between his voice and the voice of the jesus we have created in our own image... Our jesus does not ask difficult things of us, he does not demand much, he is nice like a good pet. We use him for our own ends, be they political, religious, or even moral. That is a dangerous Jesus to have, perhaps even more dangerous than the real one, since it will lull us to sleep and then when we least expect it, crumble beneath our feet.
At first, people do not want to hear about this Jesus, they are just fine with their comfortable jesus. It is like a person being woken from a deep sleep. As they come to consciousness they resent being woken up and are bad-humored until the sleep begins to clear from their eyes. As awareness seeps in they begin to see and understand and the resentment is replaced with gratitude, for they realize that while what they were dreaming was pleasant, it is of no comparison to what actual food tastes like and the sense of a human touch. Are we willing to exchange the jesus we have dreamt up for the actual thing? Are we willing to shake people from their slumber at the risk of being bitten?

The Western idea of who Jesus is rarely lines up with extravagant grace, the uncompromising, laying down of one's life every day, seeking peace, actively loving those who persecute us, those who are different from us. Riches, comfort and blessing are the constant theme, “what Jesus can do for us?” and so we adore his cross without taking up ours (113). Forgetting that it is only by losing our life that we discover where true life is and what it is truly about. Instead the theme should read, “What has Jesus taught us to do for others?” Many people are asking the question: how can Western Christians be so content and preach a God who blesses so much, when in neighbouring countries their very brothers and sisters do not have enough food, very little clean water, not many jobs and a whole lot of pain? It is not enough to preach a God who blesses and then just sit by and watch. It is God who blesses but demands that it be with our own hands and feet. He demands actions not statements. We need to take seriously Jesus’ teaching on the poor, even if it means a radical change in the way we live our lives. In Peter’s early days he talked a big talk but when it came time to die for those words he could only muster up a few words of denial. The discrepancy between what the church says and does concerning those who lack must disappear.

Where are the leaders and prophets who cry out for peace in a world of war? Where are the men and women who forgive in the face of hate and persecution? Where are the disciples who love their terrorist enemies? Where are the people who show mercy to those who do not deserve mercy? We are shown mercy and we do not deserve it. We are loved and we do not deserve it. What is grace if not love and mercy and forgiveness for those who are undeserving, the sick and the needy? “Whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me.” Oh that those words would sink into our very beings and then burn brightly outwards!


Every leader has a platform from which to speak. The question is then: what gospel do we preach from there? Remembering all the while that our platform is not one we are able to step off of at the end of the talk. Many famous athletes shrug off the example they set saying that they did not ask to be put in the spotlight, they did not asked to be watched and idolized, so it is not their problem when people imitate their bad example. The truth is that it comes with the territory. When Jesus says, “Come and follow me” and we take him up on it, it is not on our conditions. Like it or not, we are accountable for the message of our life.
I Timothy 4:16 Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

Whether we are given a microphone, whether in the pulpit, the street, the homeless shelter, the courthouse, the office, the home, or the school, our lives are shouting a message. Whether we live as a radical or a lukewarm, a message will be sent out loud and clear. Which is it, a prophetic life lived radically as a disciple willing to lay down his life for his Lord or someone tiptoeing towards death, scared of suffering, scared of offending, scared of loving so sacrificially that it might cost them everything?

Do our words line up with the lives we live on that platform? Does the gospel we preach match up with the one Jesus gave his life for? Rich Mullins once said in a chapel service,
“You guys are into that born again thing, which is great. We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that one guy too... [And he paused in the awkward silence.] But I guess that's why God invented highlighters, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest.” (98,99)
Of course the Bible is full of things that if we do not read them in context we will not understand them, much less be able to fulfil them. But we write so much off as “not for us” or “impossible to do” and the question has to be asked, have we grappled with the hard things Jesus says, or do we just highlight the parts around them? God’s heart is that we grapple, we ask questions and that we explore that which perhaps most strikes fear in our hearts.


If you ask people today what they associate with the concepts leader or leadership, you will probably hear something like: power, authority, strength, vision, driven, being first, influence, followers and then if the conversation continues, perhaps words like corruption, greed, self-interest, and abuse might find their way in. Jesus turns our concept of leadership and what a leader is on its head in so many ways. The Kingdom of God is upside down. You give only to get. You lose only to find. The last will be first, the weak are the truly strong and on the backs of nobodies who make up an adulterous people, the kingdom is going to spread like yeast through dough. Good luck trying to reverse that process.
And then Jesus takes off his jacket, kneels down in front of his disciples and takes their dirty feet (that happen to be so beautiful for the good news they carry) and he washes them. Loud and clear he shows the extent of his love. Loud and clear, with the towel around his waist and the water in the bowl, he expresses what is it to truly lead, that is, to do what few are willing to do, to love that which is difficult to love and then to go and lay down one’s life for that which is undeserving. In the upside-down kingdom, the perspective from the floor is much more accurate than from the head of the table... Literally it keeps one grounded.
As the water was being poured out over their feet, some running back into the bowl and some escaping onto the floor to seep down into the cracks, Jesus was profoundly communicating that if they wanted to lead as he led, if they wanted be as he was, they would have to serve as he served. Then the image of the water being poured out turned out to be the image of his blood being poured out, leaving no doubt as to what sort of sacrifice was being demanded: the entirety of a life, because it has been bought at a price, and it is no longer your own. His sacrifice, his blood, it shies away from the academic and grounds itself in our human makeup. So drink deeply he said, for this wine represents my blood, and do it to remember me.

The Son of God himself did not come to be served, but rather to serve. It is only when we understand where we have come from, who we are and where we are going, that we are truly able to give completely of ourselves. This is not easily attained since we are imperfect people, weak with shortcomings. Paul however, understood who he was and where he came from when he referred to himself as the greatest of sinners and yet continued forward, forgetting what was behind. It is a revelation of who we truly are in Christ that frees us up to then give everything, to wash feet with pure motives and hearts.

Then we will not stop at just the feet of other Christians, or the feet of our friends or even at the feet of those who are similar to us. The gospels repeat that even pagans can love those who love them back. It will then include those who are difficult to love, to those who are different than us, who hate us, who make life difficult for us, who bomb us and look for ways to destroy us. Jesus says that if they hated him, they are going to hate us. And then he died for them that they might know his love. Greater love hath no man than to lay down his life...

What is leadership if not the laying down of our life for those we come into contact with? Leadership is sacrifice, it is the giving of oneself on a daily basis, in order that who we are and what is in us begins to express itself in other people. There is an impartation that goes beyond words and teachings.
Often the disciples did not understand what Jesus was on about as he talked to them in parables and prophecies. It was much later when what he said finally sunk in and they had revelation. What spoke right away however were the tears and laughter, the joy and pain that they shared with him over the three years they walked the face of this planet together. It was those experiences that put a face to the words that Jesus spoke.
The sharing of meals with prostitutes, tax collectors, Jews, Gentiles, even Pharisees, all the while being judged for it. There was no one that Jesus would not share a meal with, and in those days that was saying something to the effect of there was no one that Jesus was not willing to touch, to call a friend, to accept, to join himself to in love.
He was controversial and far from politically correct because his aim was not to please men but rather the Father. He talked to promiscuous (and sometimes even Samaritan) women and in the house of a leper he allowed expensive perfume to be poured out over him. He healed people's sicknesses, he healed their hearts, he forgave sins, he cast out demons, and he fed people and went to parties. He tested people's faith, was occasionally appalled by the lack of it, and frequently overjoyed when he found the smallest amount. Are we afraid to touch people for fear that we may be associated with them, or even worse, be contaminated by them? It is fascinating to see the frequency with which Jesus touched people, often the unclean outcasts of society.

He did all of this with his disciples at his side. He drew them apart to teach them, to explain things to them. He was occasionally furious with them but then overjoyed when they finally got it. He gave them power and authority and sent them out like sheep among wolves, telling them that the harvest was plentiful but the workers were few, and that they were to heal the sick and announce the good news of the upside down kingdom where anyone was welcome. He gave so much that it was only by withdrawing to be alone with his Father that he was able to rise again the next day to do it all over again.

In his disciples, Jesus saw what was before it came into being. Still raw, passionate and with an uncanny ability to miss the point, he called them, formed them and then ignited something in them that even the most powerful empire on the face of the earth would not be able to extinguish. He loved them, cared for them, taught them, showed them, gave of himself to them, and when the time came, he left them to set about imparting, to the ends of the earth, what he had rooted deep within them.
It is what we are called to do, to repeat, to go to the entire world and do. Go to the world and make disciples, go to the world and represent me, pour yourself out till there is nothing left. Give of yourself to other people, take them, show them, love them and they will too become disciples. We may not have walked dusty roads with him but he does know us by name and we do have his words, his stories and we have the Holy Spirit that should be like a fire in our belly. And we have examples, people who walked before us, people who are walking with us, and we can learn and grow from their examples. Instead of distancing ourselves from the words of Jesus, instead of reinterpreting them so thoroughly that we are left with very little, perhaps we should take him and his example of what a leader is a little more literally.

There seem to be few instances where Jesus teaches his disciples how to lead other people. Nearly everything he says to them has to do with them living as disciples themselves. Then he tells them to go make more disciples. The natural deduction is that a true disciple will be contagious. [It has been said that if you want to change the world, start with yourself.] Other people will see it, will catch it, will imitate it and it will spread like an epidemic with no cure. An epidemic of passionate love for Jesus and for our neighbours, even if they happen to be our enemies.
Shane Clairborne has experienced first hand how this is working out for the Christians in Iraq, as they are having to love like Jesus loved, even as bombs and missiles from a “Christian nation” are destroying their neighbourhoods, homes and even their very lives. They have no choice but to love and forgive because that is what Jesus demands of them. What does Jesus demand of us? And why separate them from us, when we are part of the same church, the same body? Their prayer is that the power of love and forgiveness, instead of hate and retaliation, might wake up a nation (and a church) that has forgotten that grace and redemption apply to “terrorists” just as much as to sinners already saved by grace. And so if we are truly one family than that should become our prayer as well, as we ask ourselves what action we need to take. For if we stay silent while injustice is rampant, we then become guilty ourselves.
“We are all wretched and we are all beautiful. No one is beyond redemption. May we see in the hands of the oppressors our own hands, and in the faces of the oppressed our own faces. We are made of the same dust, we cry the same salty tears.” (365)


Fyodor Dostoyevsky said that to love a person means to see him as God intended him to be. He must have got that from Jesus. The world has changed in many ways since the days Jesus when walked this earth and yet really, it has not changed all that much. We can see in human faces what Jesus saw 2000 years ago: pain, insecurity and doubt of people who have been created in the image of God, who are loved by him more than they can imagine, but just do not know it yet. The challenge is this then: to live a life worthy of the calling, to lead as Jesus led, and that is to lay down our life in whatever way the Father may ask of us. We are called to love all, to shepherd, to teach, to prophecy, to provoke, to challenge, to cry, to laugh, to turn the other cheek, to stand up in the face of tyranny and injustice, to serve, to drink deeply from his cup and to when all else is finished, to love some more. In doing so we will be truly leading, imparting to others what it is to be like the Son.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to wake up one morning and have the realization hit you like a ton of bricks… that all this time you have been walking around like a man in a haze, and that all it takes to burn away the fog is to live a life that burns so brightly that everyone in your surroundings either gets burnt or runs away…
And the worst thing would be to live looking back, wondering, what if… what if I had taken the wine..?








Wishful Thinking. Buechner, Frederick. 1993 Harper Collins
The Irresistible Revolution. Clairborne, Shane. 2006 Zondervan